These amusing little skits are John’s brainchildren:
Buddha and the Bodybuilder
Bodybuilder: I love my body. It’s the only thing I have control over.
Buddha: We have no control over our bodies or anything else. The body is born and it is destined to go through periods of illness and eventually death.
Bodybuilder: I don’t know, Buddha, I feel pretty strong right now. I bet I can pick you up.
Buddha: Physical strength can never compare to spiritual strength.
Bodybuilder: Nobody sees spiritual strength so what’s the point?
Buddha: Spiritual strength and endurance are not cultivated to impress other people, yet these qualities are visible to anyone who is looking for them.
Bodybuilder: Well, I don’t always know whether to work my upper body more than my legs. I don’t want to wind up looking like a bird.
Buddha: Rather than worrying about balancing your upper body and lower body, you would benefit from balancing strength with flexibility.
Bodybuilder: I don’t have time to stretch. I usually do a set of weights, then a set of mirrors.
Buddha: Mirrors can deceive. Time is fleeting. Spend your time doing good and building compassion.
Bodybuilder: Arnold said, “What I’m doing is the thing I want to do. I don’t care what other people think, if the rest of the world disagrees and says I shouldn’t waste my time, I’ll still be a bodybuilder. I love it. I love the feeling in my muscles, I love the competition, and I love the things it gives me.” And he got to be governor of California.
Buddha: California will pass away and governorship will pass away. Only the spirit is eternal.
Buddha and the Bean Counter
Buddha: “Without concern for results, perform the necessary action; surrendering all attachments, accomplish life’s highest good.”
Bean Counter: Perform the necessary actions as instructed. Results must be attained. No attachments can be surrendered until they have been recorded. Life’s highest good cannot be accomplished until permission has been granted.
Buddha: “Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.”
Bean Counter: You must first consult a lawyer. Precedent must not be violated.
Buddha: “Everything changes, nothing remains without change.”
Bean Counter: Work is work. The only thing that changes is the paperwork . It changes on a weekly basis.
Buddha: “A wise man, recognizing the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes suffering.”
Bean Counter: If there seems to be an illusion, it is because the wrong form was submitted.
Buddha: “Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death, can erase good deeds.”
Bean Counter: Good deeds will be buried in paper work and forgotten in five minutes.
Buddha: “Virtue is persecuted more by the wicked than it is loved by the good.”
Bean Counter: Virtue is not important. Just get the job done according to regulations.
Buddha: “Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.”
Bean Counter: Do what you’re told unless you want to be written up.
Buddha: “Words have the power to destroy or to heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change the world.”
Bean Counter: Words must be used according to documented sources. Truth is whatever we say it is. Our main concern is saving face.
Bubba and the Buddha
Bubba: What can you tell me about them thar goo roo’s? I thought they’s something ye ordered at the Dairy Queen.
Buddha: Gurus are called by God as spiritual teachers.
Bubba: I ‘member when I’s around 27 or so, I woke up one morning and just knowed I’s called to be a preacher ‘cause I wanted a woman and a piece of fried chicken real bad.
Buddha: Preachers and ministers are not necessarily gurus. True spiritual teachers are modest and humble. They tune their minds and hearts to God.
Bubba: What’s all this stuff I keep hearing ‘bout meditation? I know whene’er I’m eight cans into a twelve pack, when I’m out there on the lake fishin’ I just git to feeling so peaceful. Hell, nothing bothers me, not e’en the old lady.
Buddha: Meditation is not about numbing the mind. It’s about purifying the mind and connecting to the peace and joy within us.
Bubba: Y’all have any guarantees with all this stuff? Ye know I won’t buy anythin’ without a guarantee. Hell, Walmart guarantees e’erything. My new two-dollar flip-flops come apart on me last week. Took’em back to Walmart and they gimme ‘nother pair.
Buddha: There are no guarantees in life – but if we continue to make an effort, we will make progress in our spiritual lives. It’s never too late.
Bubba: I tell ya what Bu baby, next time you’re back down here, gimme a call. We’ll roast a pig , git a keg of draft. Me’n you, we’ll lay back and shoot the breeze some more.
Buddha and the Telemarketer
Telemarketer: Hi there, Mr. Buddha. How are you doing today? Is the insurance on your Bodhi tree up to date? Do you have coverage for bodhi worms? What if lightning struck your tree, where would you sit?
Buddha: Thank you for your concern. If this Bodhi tree is harmed, I will find another one.
Telemarketer: Yes, but how do you know the other Bodhi tree will fill your needs? Our company, Unbelievable Bodhis, can guarantee you shade, comfort and above all a view of enlightenment.
Buddha: No, thank you. I’m not interested in a “view” of enlightenment. Have you realized your own Buddha-nature?
Telemarketer: Yes I have. It is my Buddha-nature to be the biggest pain-in-the-ass of everyone I can to teach them patience.